Wednesday, September 24, 2014

God, I'm Hurt...

Psalms 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved

I want to share a real moment with you…I ran home after work one day to cook dinner for myself. I sat on the couch and turned the TV on. I knew I needed to have quiet time but I figured I would eat first, calm down from work, and then afterwards I would have quiet time. So I go to get quiet before God and He tells me “I want you to fall apart.” Wait what…uhm, no thank You, I’ll pass. I want you to have a moment where you allow yourself to be broken before Me and confess to Me your heart and your hurts. So of course that knot comes tightening up in my throat and I take a long deep breath and before I can even say okay God, tears start flowing down my face. (Can I be honest? This is really difficult for me to write. People don’t understand that the message typically hits the messenger first so as I’m pouring out to others, I’m sharing it because God has already wrecked me with the very word He has given me to share with you).  So I put on some worship music, sit in a chair, and words don’t come out; just tears…and lots of them. At some point I moved from my chair to the floor balled up, no words, just tears. The beautiful thing about God is that He doesn’t need our words sometimes. We don’t have to say a thing because He knows us so intimately that He can understand what’s going on through our heart’s cry. Amazing right?! 

Psalms 116:1-2 I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.

Nonetheless, God still likes for us to confess sometimes out loud. Not just so that we acknowledge it but to allow freedom to come through as we speak the words that have held us hostage for so long. As the words come out of your mouth it’s almost like you can feel a snapping and breaking of the stronghold that the enemy was trying to use to break you down. So I get up and I feel God saying okay…are you ready to talk now? Lay it all out there. God I’m hurt. I’m hurt. I am hurt…and it is difficult for me to admit that. I’ve been dealing with a particular situation for quite some time now and I said “it just is what it is.” The relationship with a family member will likely never change and I would be completely okay if we went our separate ways and never dealt with each other ever again. God I feel like that would be easier than trying to make something work that just isn’t working. That was what I had been saying for the last couple of months. As I sat in my chair I told God the truth. God I’m hurt that this person just doesn’t seem to get it. I don’t get why they wouldn’t have included me. Maybe he’s doing the best that he can but it’s not good enough. I want to have a relationship with him, but I don’t want to put myself out there again only for him to drop the ball again and I’m left feeling stupid. I don’t want to try and put in effort and he falls short or doesn’t try at all and I feel so stupid for putting myself out there only to be let down again. God, what if nothing changes? God I’m guarded because I don’t want to feel rejected once again by the same person.  

The thing about operating in hurt is that you have a tendency to hurt others. Sometimes it’s intentionally and other times it’s simply a part of your defense mechanism. You want to protect yourself from further hurt so you ignore phone calls, you don’t respond at all or when you do it’s with short responses, and before you know it your heart becomes hardened not just towards them but towards others…but the real issue is that we fail to realize that when our heart is hardened towards people it’s also hardened towards God. We don’t realize how we take our hurt that people have caused out on God. He sweetly showed me that Angel, you can’t continue to operate in hurt. Do you really think you can continue life shut off towards this person and think that it’s not going effect your relationship with Me? A hardened heart towards people will very quickly pore over into a hardened heart towards God. God showed me something that made reflect on my heart towards Him. This simple question, do you not think that I can heal your hurt? Even if you try again and that person fails you again, do you not think that I can heal your hurt? You have to take down the rabid Rottweiler’s and pit bulls that are guarding your heart from hurt with an electric fence. While you’re not letting people in, you’re also not letting God in. You’re operating in hurt. Even when you’re upset, frustrated, and hurt, God can see behind all of that; He sees the truth. When everyone else may see that you’re hurt, God sees the core of your hurt and what is fueling it.
If I can be really honest…there was a point maybe a year or so ago where I felt like something was wrong with me because I had not met my Adam. Yes, this was around the time that I was slightly obsessing over marriage….just a little bit. In my moment of hurt God showed me how I felt like this person was robbing me of something that I felt like every girl should have. He showed me how I had said in the past that I didn’t need this person to be a part of my wedding day. In my moment of admitting my hurt, God showed me that I really wanted him to be there. There wasn’t something “wrong” with me…but deep in my heart I really wanted him to be present and God was giving me an opportunity to mend that relationship so that he could be but it was going to be up to me to take the steps to mend it. It was going to be up to me to not focus on trusting this person with my heart but for me to truly trust God with my heart. You see, God needed me to fall apart to say not just to Him but also to myself, God I trust You with my broken pieces. I trust You to completely be broken before You because I know that You won’t leave me, disappoint me, reject me, or let me down like people have. I trust that for my good, I need to put myself out there to mend this relationship and even if the person rejects it or falls short, I trust that You will and You can pull me back together God. I trust that I will be okay in Your hands. 

 Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

                Now I want to be clear, I’m not saying that God wants you to try to make every single relationship that has fallen apart work. Some doors are meant to be closed and should never be reopened. But this is my story and God has led me to move beyond hurt and operate not just in love but in trust in Him. I want to encourage you to let go of your hurt. Stop operating in hurt and trust God to heal you of your hurt no matter how deep it runs. Whether He leads you to reconcile with someone who has hurt you or to walk away, trust Him with that. Trust that He is not going to lead you anywhere that is going to lead to further hurt. You can trust Him with your heart. So take a moment and fall apart before Him and share with Him you hearts cry. 

Hebrews 13:5: "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
From my heart to yours, 


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