Trusting God When It's Difficult

"And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us" (Romans 5:3-5, KJV).

Do you ever feel like you want to trust God but life is just happening and you don’t understand why it has dealt you what appears to be the worst deck of cards possible? It’s like God, I want to trust You but I need something to happen! Something has to change because I’m tired and I just don’t get it. I’m serving You God, why are You allowing these things to happen to me when I am living for You and loving You? If we can be honest with ourselves, I’m pretty sure we’ve all had one (or maybe multiple) of these moments before where it just seems like nothing is working out. When it seems like life is passing like kidney stones at times, the hardest thing to do is the one thing that we must do and that is to trust God. Truth moment…I was supposed to write this blog almost two weeks ago and I kept putting it off for various reasons. I believe the devil was trying to give me some extra material for trusting God even when it seems difficult as he has been working a serious nerve these last couple of weeks! In the words of a friend, “victory is my birth right!” so boom (thank you Desiree lol). So how do we trust God when it seems like everything and everyone is against us, nothing is working out for our good (or so it appears), and everything that can go wrong is wrong? You trust the season that God has you in. Well that’s easier said than done Angel! When it doesn’t make sense, when it seems like your season is dryer than the Sahara, when nothing appears to be working out for your good, trust God to be who He says He is and cast your cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7).

            We have a tendency to feel as though we can only come to God with all of our happy, bubbly, easy, breezy, beautiful, covergirl emotions and that we shouldn’t tell God the bad and ugly that we feel. We feel like we can’t share our frustrations, our anger, or our confusion, because we don’t want to complain to Him or we feel that we’re not supposed to. I just want to share a great life tip with you all; just because you don’t vocalize this feeling that does not mean God doesn’t know that’s how you feel. He knows and sees into the innermost parts of your heart. You can’t keep anything from Him! Just like momma always seems to know what’s going on with you, especially when you’ve done something wrong, God sees through you even deeper than that. The problem is that we try to be so PC with God like He doesn’t know what the real deal is. We tell Him we’re content and at peace with things knowing good and well our heart is angry, rolling its eyes, and sucking its teeth. If I can be honest, sometimes I just need to vent and the truth is I really don’t want to hear an encouraging word all the time. Sometimes I don’t want to hear that everything is going to be okay, I know that because I believe in God. But sometimes I just want to be upset and feel what I am feeling so I can get that out instead of pacifying my hurts, my frustrations, and my pains because I need to deal with that stuff. Should we stay in that place forever and be emotionally led by feelings? ABSOLUTELY NOT! However we have to get that stuff out of our hearts and allow God to help us deal with it.

            I was having quiet time one day and I typically start off my quiet time with “okay God I’m going to be honest with You, it’s not like You don’t already know.” So I’m pretty much venting about my frustrations with work, school, life, etc. and then once I consider myself to be done I go on to reading the bible. Well this day, I wrap up my venting session and something on the inside was like uhm so you’re not going to deal with that? I knew exactly what the “that” was but I had been telling myself, I’m at peace with it, I trust You God, I know it’s going to work out but the bottom line was that was a lie. So now I’m looking all crazy in the face like I just vented can we leave it at that??? I’m fine about the other stuff okay God? I’m good. You ever talk to a person and you know you’re in the wrong or better yet you know you’re lying, and they know this too, and when you’re finished talking their only response is “oh, okay.” That was the overwhelming response that I felt was that feeling of the “okay” response. So I started to talk; I started with the usual PC response, “God I don’t know why this is happening but I trust You.” (Response: Okay). “It is what it is; it could be a lot worst so I’m thankful anyways.” (Response: Okay). “I can accept that I may have to deal with this for the rest of my life and that’s okay.” (You get it by now…Response: Okay). Then the flood gates of heaven open my eyes and my eyelids start sweating (That’s my term for crying. I have a complex about crying for some reason. I hate crying unless I’m being slain by the Holy Ghost. Pray for me folks lol). “God why are You allowing this to happen to me? Why do I have to deal with this issue? I’m frustrated God. I don’t want to have to go through this and I don’t understand why it is getting worst instead of better when I’m living for You God. I trust You but I’m frustrated! I don’t get it.” Response: That’s it, get it out, and then I really did have a peace about it.

  

          I was watching a sermon by Steffany Frizzell not too long ago and she said the most disgusting yet profound thing that made me go wow!!! She said, “sometimes you have to vomit in order to be able to swallow.” I know, my initial reaction was eew too, but then I laughed, and then I went ooohhh when I got the revelation of it. In order for us to receive what God is trying to put into us, we have to make room by purging what’s on the inside of us. We have to get that stuff out in order to take in what He’s giving us. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in life is that it is so okay not to be okay. One of the best places to be is to be broken at the feet of Jesus so that He can put you back together with a firm and steady foundation that’s unbreakable if you remain with Him. God doesn’t want us to give Him this dressed up representative of ourselves that’s wearing a full coverage foundation attempting to hide all the blemishes of our hearts. He sees straight through that maybelline. God wants us to pour out to Him so that He can teach us how to deal with the tests and trials that we face. Don’t you know that everything that has happened to you and is going to happen to you is for your good? Romans 8:28 wasn’t just thrown into the bible by mistake. It says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose” (KJV). Everything that you went through and are going through not only happened on purpose but it happened for your purpose! That may be very difficult to grasp when you are going through what appears to be hell on earth but God has a purpose for our go through.

I remember reading a quote that said “be glad that you are going through because if you’re going through that means you aren’t stuck.” That's a great little nugget to keep in mind. Last year I wrote a blog called Year of Development and I hated that year from top to bottom. In January I had a surgery that left me very insecure, in April my Bishop died who was very instrumental to helping me develop a relationship with Christ and was pretty much the father figure in my life, this also happened around the time that my pastor and his wife suffered a lost. We were all dealing with these issues at the same time trying to be strong for one another but it was difficult. We were all living for God and I just could not wrap my head around why He was allowing us to experience this sadness and these losses when we were really living for Him. Over the summer, multiple friendships that were very dear to me completely fell apart, in the fall my family was dealing with a drug issue that had been going on for quite some time and fell apart. It just seemed like it was one thing after another and another and another. I was so frustrated and I remember being a little sassy at one point and saying God, “You have stripped me of everything what else do You want from me???” I want to strip you of you…I knew at that moment that I had absolutely no clue what God was trying to do in me but I knew that wherever He was taking me next, He needed me to be focused on Him. He needed me to be dependent on Him and not myself, things, or other people. That year of development prepared me for Changed Hearts: I AM Woman, it helped me to minister better, it helped me to connect more, but most importantly it helped me to grow in Christ. I wouldn’t trade that season because I needed it. Did I hate it? At the time absolutely! I was so frustrated, I didn’t understand why God was doing this to me but in the end it all worked out for my good.

 It’s okay to be frustrated. It’s okay to not understand. Bring those cares to God and trust Him through the process. Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come unto Me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light" (KJV).  Give Him all your cares and frustration and rest in His peace. God does not set us up for failure. Everything that we go through is not to break us but to make us unbreakable through Him. Trust where God has you in this moment. So it doesn’t make sense, people think you’re crazy because you’re still serving God even though He hasn’t healed you yet, even though your family still isn’t saved, even though you’re still at that job that you hate, even though school isn't working out the way you thought it would, even though your finances are jacked up while you're paying tithes, even though you’re loving God and get a flat tire and a speeding ticket in the same day, even though nothing good appears to be coming from your current circumstances. Trust Him anyhow. I love the story of the three hebrew boys in the book of Daniel when they are getting ready to be thrown into the fiery furnace and they say, "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. BUT IF NOT, be it known unto thee, O king, we will NOT serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up" (Daniel 3: 17-18, KJV). God I know that you're capable of changing my situation right now but even if you don't, Lord I will still serve You and I won't turn my back on You. Even if You don't deliver me from this hell that I feel like I'm experiencing right now, God I still know You to be God and my circumstances do not change that. Speak this truth to yourself. God has not left you and He has not forsaken you. Allow Him to be your peace in the midst of your chaos. Don’t hate the process because it’s not created to beat you up. God knows what He’s doing. He’s the author of your life and He is creating your story perfectly. Rest in that truth.  

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders."

My Story

My  more than a conqueror steez lol

I post women’s testimonies every week for Changed Hearts: I AM Woman but I have never really shared my full testimony. That doesn’t seem fair right?! To be honest, I had not fully shared it because I didn’t feel as though it was completed. News flash Ms. Walston, it will never be completed until you are up and out of this earth girlfriend as I will continuously have areas that Jesus is shaping me in. I’ve briefly touched on parts of my testimony in different blogs (So We're Friends;Today I Choose to Believe the Truth) where I talked about insecurity and friendships so I won’t talk a lot about them here. Most of the people that follow me on social media started following me when I was saved and have no idea where I started. I never want to portray this image of being perfect or that I woke up one day saved, loving Jesus, obeying Him, and always happy because that’s a lie! I still have to repent, I still fail, I still have struggles, and I still mess up. I was in desperate need of a Savior THEN and I’m in desperate need of a Savior NOW. My purpose in sharing this is not to glorify sin but instead to glorify my Father in heaven who has transformed me. The best way to describe my story is this statement: you never realize that you are living in dysfunction until you are exposed to what is really normal. 

Brief Background:

I grew up in a home with both parents and my sister. We all went to church together but I wouldn’t say I grew up in a Christian household. We originally attended a Presbyterian church and no offense by any means but it was real dry…I wasn’t interested in going to church because I thought it was boring. When I was in middle school, my mom moved my sister and I to a Baptist church that I thought was “fun” but it was still just going to church, nothing more. I learned things while I was there but still had no clue about salvation, having a relationship with Jesus outside of going to church, etc. I either went to church because my mom made us or I wanted to see some little boy or friends. My parents eventually divorced and my mom, sister, and I changed churches a couple of times but always stuck with a Baptist church. Long story short, I wasn’t a fan of “church.” There had been so much drama in churches that I was exposed to at a young age that really put me off of church and I thought all church people were fake and phony and I was just over the “show” that was being presented that was called church. Nonetheless, I was the good girl; I was on honor roll all throughout grade school, I didn’t do drugs or smoke, I didn’t drink, I didn’t have sex. In fact I remember telling this guy before I decided to make him my boyfriend “I am NOT having sex with you” as I looked in disgust. Then I turned 18, went to college, and that’s where my story really begins…

So here’s the thing, I love hard…like really hard and I’ve learned that to be a strength and a weakness at times. I was the girl who always had a boyfriend, I rarely stayed single for very long and I looked at men as always being replaceable; lose one? Just go on to the next one, no big deal. I met this guy my senior year in high school that I fell completely crazy (literally crazy) in love with that I ended up losing my virginity to. And yes this is the same guy that I told “I am NOT having sex with you.” As with all puppy love it started off great but things went left at some point. I became very attached to him in an unhealthy way. Everything was about him, nothing else and no one else mattered and I became the crazy girlfriend. Yes I was the girlfriend checking his MySpace (how long ago was that???lol) his facebook, his phone, all of that. I was messaging girls who I thought he was messing with. I was so insecure in who I was in that relationship and I completely lost myself. There was a time that I lied about thinking I was pregnant because I wanted to keep him.  I didn’t trust him at all, I thought he was cheating on me all the time, but the scary thing was the mentality that I had was even if he’s cheating on me, even if he’s doing me wrong, I would rather stay in the relationship. I would rather be miserable and unhappy and stay in that relationship because I was so “in love” instead of leaving and that’s what I did, I stayed. Let’s be clear, love does not make you feel that way. If you feel the need to constantly check a person or you don’t trust them you don’t need to be in that relationship. Deal with your own personal insecurities by yourself before you try to add someone else into the mix. Likewise, you shouldn't feel the need to constantly check the person you're with when you pick the right one. Just saying...

            When I hit college I remained in this relationship and I remember one of my first memories of my freshman year was going to Target with this girl and trying to get away from her for a minute because I needed to buy a pregnancy test (the irony in this was that she needed to buy one too). Luckily, I was not pregnant and you would think that would’ve made me wise up however, later that year I thought I had an STD as I was having unprotected sex with this person that I didn’t trust and thought was cheating on me. Once again, luckily I did not. We eventually broke up but it took me years (yes multiple) to get over that relationship. I hated the woman that I was in that relationship and I vowed that I would never be that insecure, vulnerable, etc. in a relationship again. So I went from one extreme to another…I developed this independent, smart mouthed, no respect for men attitude because I didn’t want to be that girl anymore. I had such a bad attitude towards men and I’ll never forget I was talking to this guy one day and I was popping off at the mouth talking to him all kinds of sideways and he pretty much told me about myself and that I couldn’t talk to people however I wanted to and hung up the phone and we never talked again. You would think that would've make me check myself but did I care? No, still kept the same attitude and hung with girls who had the same attitude which didn’t help anything at all.

            My spring semester of my freshman year I met this woman at a bank and she asked me if I went to

My Ashley and I RIP Sunshine

church. I honestly looked at her like she was crazy and said no. She asked me for my number and offered to take me to a church called New Life Ministries. I’m thinking “what kind of horrible person says NO I don’t want to go to church with you!” but that’s how I was feeling on the inside but I gave this woman (a complete stranger remind you) my phone number anyways. I wrote it off thinking oh whatever she won’t call; well she did…and I ignored her call lol. But she kept calling until I eventually answered and went with her to New Life Ministries. I attended there with her for a few months and I quickly noticed it was something different about this church. It was a really small church but powerful. They preached about holiness, sin, heaven and hell, salvation, pretty much all the stuff I had been oblivious to or just ignoring. They also kept telling me they loved me but they’re actions showed it more than the words they said and I was so not used to that. As I continued to go I started to open my heart back up to God. I somewhat rededicated my life back to Christ and then the unthinkable happens…I find out that one of my close friends from high school was killed in a car accident. I was so angry with God. I’m thinking really God? I just gave you my life and You let this happen, what the heck?!?! So now we’re back at square one, just going through the motions of “going to church.” Although I was mad at God, I was still a people pleaser and I didn’t feel right telling the woman I didn’t want to go to church with her anymore.

            The funny thing is even with a jacked up attitude I was still a people pleaser, I never gave the people who “deserved” it attitude, and I didn’t pop off at my female “friends.” So I continued going to church even though, once again, I didn’t want to. When I started my sophomore year that was when I started really drinking. I can honestly say I didn’t drink that often and that I wasn’t an alcoholic or anything but when I drank it typically did not end well.  I recall waking up one day after taking multiple shots of vodka with my roommate with a huge knot on my forehead after running into the wall multiple times because I had drank so much. There was a time where I woke up with bruises on my cheeks because I had been pinching them so hard (I didn’t realize it because I was drunk) trying to create blush. But my most infamous moment was being in a hallway in the back of a club waiting in line to use the bathroom because I had drank tequila and I wasn’t feeling well and as I’m waiting to get to the bathroom, I throw up all over my shoes and the floor as my friends find me in my own vomit drunkenly trying to clean up the mess. 

          

  While all this is going on, I’m still “going to church” remind you. Still sitting up in church on Sunday mornings and maybe even Tuesday nights for bible study. I will say I was definitely skipping some Sundays here and there likely because I was hung over from Saturday. I was messing with a guy who I knew had a girlfriend but didn’t really care. I got a matching tattoo with someone I couldn't even tell you the last time I spoke to them. I continued to drink on some weekends, go out to clubs/parties, the usual things you do in college right? (wrong, that’s a sarcastic right in case you missed that memo). Well in 2008  these two new girls started attending New Life Ministries, Gopi and Mariah, and they don’t know this but I remember meeting them and not necessarily thinking they were weird but just thinking they were different (love ya’ll, mean it lol). They were very chipper, I was not use to that at all remind you I still had a bad attitude lol, and they knew all the answers in bible study and I’m thinking what the heck is going on here? Lol We attended the same college yet we had never met one another prior to attending church together. I always say that it takes me a really long time for people to get close to me which is true but what they didn’t know at the time was that I didn’t befriend them right off the bat because they seemed really churchy to be honest lol. I wasn’t feeling that at all…so I still had my group of friends outside of church and we drank, clubbed, and did what “normal” college kids do (once again slight sarcasm). 

       

Shenanigans from my wilder days as a friend would say

     At some point in all of this, the drinking and the clubbing was uncomfortable for me. I didn’t feel “right” drinking or dancing all up on guys but I kept doing it even though it didn’t seem to work for me anymore. The more people that attended my church that also attended my school I started to get worried about what if they see me at a party? What if I get tagged in a picture on facebook with a shot glass in my hand or in a super short tight dress and one of the “church folks” see it? I was so uncomfortable in doing these things that I couldn’t enjoy it anymore because I was so worried about being caught. Little did I know that this was God trying to pull me back to Him…So I’m starting to put forth an effort to have a relationship with God, I’m inviting my friends to church with me now and they would come sometimes but I felt something drawing me towards God and not the lifestyle I had been pursuing since I started college. But nothing was changing, it was still the same old same old. I was convicted but still doing the same things. I was laying up with a guy that I wasn’t in a relationship with, still drinking, and partying. This was normal, right? (I think you get the sarcasm by now right?) Cut to a few months later when I’m trying to get things back on track with “church” then boom insert distraction. What do you know I meet another guy. Here I am attempting to grow in Christ and I yoke myself up with someone who didn’t have a relationship with Him at all. We end up fornicating and it starts this huge sin cycle all over again. This relationship was very short lived, drama filled, and it created this anger inside of me towards men. I was the girl who seriously contemplated slashing his tires and keying his car. Like I knew where he worked and was plotting in my mind when and how I could do it. I lost so much from this relationship (money, self respect, peace, etc) but most importantly it set me back in my relationship with God. I will never forget being in church one Sunday and going up for an altar call, I’m not sure if I went up myself or if I was called to come up but I ended up at the altar nonetheless. I will never forget Prophet Henry saying to me “How long shall thou be caught between two opinions?” My eyes got so big and all I could think of was OH NO HE DIDN’T! He called me out on riding the fence between being in the world and living for God. He didn’t do it to embarrass me but God was trying to get my attention. He needed to get my attention and that for sure got it. I was so convicted by that but still not to the extent to fully surrender my life to Christ and change. I did however start to pursue Christ more. 

       

     In the midst of all the shenanigans ending with the last relationship I end up becoming friends with Mariah and Gopi, yes the too churchy for me girls lol. The thing was, I didn’t realize how dysfunctional my normal was until I met them, and not that they were perfect but they were pretty normal and they didn’t do half of the things I did. I actually don’t think they did any of the things I did lol They kind of called me on my crazy. I remember them laughing at me and also kind of looking at me sideways (not in a judgmental way but more in like a girl that's crazy way) at some of the stories I would tell them. I believe they called me crazy A when I told them I considered slashing that boys tires. I can think of three of my old friends that if I told them I was going to slash a guys tires not only would they have encouraged me to do it they likely would’ve asked me if I needed help because they would come with me to do it. With my old friends, I was the calm one, I was the good girl, I was the church girl; with Mariah and Gopi I was the crazy, sassy, smart mouthed, feisty one of the group. Needless to say my crazy stood out a little bit more with them lol. I started to realize how dysfunctional my normal really was.

       

    

For once in my life I didn’t have any distractions, my “friends” were gone, I wasn’t dating at all and definitely not looking to do so, it was just me and God. I was being stripped of things and people left and right and it was during this time that I started to get really serious about having a relationship with God. I started attending New Life in 2006, remind you this moment didn’t happen until the end of 2009 early 2010. As I’m starting to develop a relationship with God I was approached by my Bishop’s wife at the time and I was asked if I would start giving a word on 4^th Sundays at church. The inside of me was screaming NOOOOOOOOO! I hate public speaking, I so did not want to do that none whatsoever! Still a people pleaser I said, sure! I had no clue what I was getting myself into…for everyone who was at New Life Ministries when I first started giving the word I apologize lol I read word from word from my paper that I had written out my message on, I didn’t include any scriptures, I read poems, and I did this for months! I would get so nervous and every single month I considered telling my Bishop I couldn’t do this anymore. I didn’t though…Eventually they got me away from reading word from word from the paper and that was difficult for me but it enabled me to trust God to speak through me. I was falling apart but in the best way possible. Everything and everyone that made me feel comfortable were gone; they graduated or left the area and it was just God and I. He picked up the pieces even though they were really messy. 

On Easter Sunday of 2011 I was licensed as a missionary at New Life Ministries church and it’s one of the days that I will never forget. I remember when it was discussed of me getting ordained I made up in my mind that I didn’t want to go back to the things that I used to do. I'm so thankful for my church family and my leadership of both the late Bishop and my current Pastor who encouraged and pushed me towards Christ. To be honest sometimes they literally had to push...and drag lol but I'm so thankful for my covering. Most people would read this and say “I don’t see what the big deal is, that’s what most college kids do,” but the thing is it’s the norm based off of the world’s standard. I’m so thankful that God showed me that what I thought was normal and okay to live was not His plan for my life. I’m proud to say that I’ve been abstinent for four years, I don’t drink at all (personal choice),  and I’m starting to learn what God created me to do. This is all through the strength of God and not my own. I’m still learning, and I will forever be learning. I thank God for deliverance, (from crazy especially lol) redemption, and restoration.


           I’m aware that when I minister I can come off very strong in addressing sin. That is because I know what it is like to be bound by sin and to be stuck in that cycle and my heart breaks for people who think that it is normal simply because that is what everyone else is doing. I’m not judging people but I’ve been there and I know what it’s like to be in sin and thinking that that way of life is okay and I also know what it is like to be saved by amazing grace and realize that that normal by the world’s standard is miserable. The reason why I talked so bluntly about the sex topic is because sexual sins are one of the biggest issues that people, yes Christians included, struggle with but we never really talk about it or how sex outside of marriage affects people. Soul ties are real; there is a reason that God created sex between a husband and wife and it is not to keep anything good from singles but it is to protect us from unwanted pregnancies, STDS, having abortions, but most importantly spirits that cling onto you from being yoked up with the wrong person. Our bodies are a temple, let’s honor God with it all the days of our lives. Hope this blessed someone :)

Just a Closer Walk with Thee

Today I Choose To Believe The Truth...

 This will be a different kind of post. I don’t typically openly share things that I am presently struggling with because I don’t want to put myself in a space where any and everybody can give their opinions on how to “fix” the problem. It’s really nothing personal against anyone, I just prefer to share sensitive topics with people that I trust and know their intentions are for my good in the feedback that they give me. Nonetheless, I felt led to share and the funny thing is my first thought was uhm…how much do I HAVE to share??? The response? Tell it all…so here we go.

I gave a message at church on 8/25/13 called “Do you want to get well?” I was reading from John 5 where Jesus approaches the lame man who had been this way for 38 years and He asked him, “Wilt thou be made whole?” I talked about how I thought it was crazy that Jesus would ask this man if He wanted to be made well, if he wanted to be healed, if he wanted to be made whole when Christ knew the condition of that man. I talked about how in order for healing to take place, we must first acknowledge that we are sick and in need of healing. I talked about how if we don’t acknowledge that there is a problem, how will we be led to seek a solution? I further went on to say that as the body of Christ we have a tendency to portray ourselves as being perfect Christians; as if we don’t go through anything; that we’re always happy loving Jesus, and never struggling with anything. We portray this image of a perfect Christian when in reality we are in need of a healing but we fail to acknowledge it because we think that people may question our salvation if they really knew the things that we dealt with…as a saved Christian.

These are the words that played in my mind last night as I sat in my room in tears feeling broken down. Here’s a fun life tip: deal with the issues of life before they start dealing with you. I briefly talked in a previous blog about the reason why I decided to become a vegetarian was because I have benign tumors called fibroadenomas that have been growing in my breasts for years. I had a surgery to have three removed in January of 2012 and since then multiple ones have grown. Although I’ve candidly talked about this issue, I’ve only shared with a few people the insecurity that developed from this. After having the surgery last year I became very insecure. I didn’t feel attractive and though no one knew about the scars that I had, I knew they were there and it made me feel like less of a woman. I thought I had gotten over that but the reality was I had just tucked it away and chosen not to deal with it anymore.

In the last month I’ve been considering having the surgery again to have them removed because of the pain and size of them. For whatever reason I decided it was a good idea to get on YouTube (it was not one of my best ideas) and do more research about fibroadenomas and I came across a video of this doctor talking about the breast cancer risks associated with them. Although the likeliness of them turning into breast cancer over time is unlikely, there is a possibility that it can happen and that chance is heightened when you have a high family history of breast cancer which I do. My doctor had already informed me of this, I was well aware of this, but hearing it this time was different. As I lay in my bed last night thinking about it once again, I started to question myself. If I have this surgery again does it mean that I don’t trust God to heal me? Is the surgery God’s answer to relieve the pain and I’m being to spiritually minded to realize it? Do I not have faith in God that He can make it go away? But the one thing that stood out in all these thoughts was this one statement, “But I’m saved, I shouldn’t be feeling like this.” It was like I felt like something was wrong with me because I was breaking down in this way. I had just left from bible study, just finished talking to my mom and my best friend, and then this just kind of came out of nowhere.

I sat in my bed crying and I started to remember all those same things I thought last year when I was so insecure. I began to think again about how I’ve spent the last few years growing my hair out and what if I do get breast cancer and have to go through chemotherapy and I lose all of my hair (vain I know, but it’s my truth). I began to think again about, how am I going to explain these scars to my one day husband? I’m celibate, so what if we get married and he see’s this and decides that he can’t do it and that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? I began to think about when I have children what if I’m not able to breastfeed? Our boobies are one of the things that make us women; because I have this issue I don’t feel as “womanly.” Not to brag none whatsoever, but I’m typically pretty good at combating negative thoughts right from the get go. I will find some scripture to fit what I need at that moment and I will believe that truth over the lies that are playing in my head. I couldn’t do that last night. I went to tell myself “I am made in God’s image. I am fearfully and wonderfully made” and the next thought was NO, God did not make you with those ugly things. There’s nothing wonderful about them…

At this point, it’s way past midnight and I know I have to get up early for work today and I’m just sitting in my bed crying feeling sorry for myself. I had never been in this place before where I felt like I couldn't encourage myself to get over it. It scared me to be honest because I started to feel consumed by these emotions and I felt like I couldn't fix it, like it was out of my control. I began to think again…why is this still happening when I am at the place that I am in God? The response, wait for it… “Because you chose to believe the lies.” When you give the enemy an opportunity, he will wreak havoc and have a field day in your mind and in your heart. The truth is this, I cry. I cry often. I break down. I’m not perfect. I mess up. I get insecure sometimes. I don’t have it all together. I don’t have it all figured out. However, the bigger truth is this, THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME LESS OF A CHRISTIAN BECAUSE I GO THROUGH THINGS! (That’s in all caps more so as a reminder for me, I’m not yelling at you I promise). It makes me human and in desperate need of Christ. I woke up this morning feeling fine surprisingly (well not surprisingly, we all know how fickle our emotions can be) and I knew it was an attack that I gave into. I knew it wasn’t “real” but the reality was in that moment last night, I felt attacked, by myself, by my own thoughts and I believed it to be real in that moment. I woke up today deciding that I will NOT believe the lies and that I am not defeated. Yes I’m insecure in this area, but that does not put my salvation into question and I am not exempt from feeling this way just because I’m saved. But instead, I’m acknowledging that there is a problem and I’m giving that area to Christ and realizing that I don’t have to be ashamed because I feel this way. It’s my truth and instead of being bound and tormented by what I’m going through, I’m sharing it because I hope it encourages someone else to believe the truth over the lie.

So this is for you. To the person that doesn’t feel good enough, you are (Psalm 139: 13-14). To the person that wants to hide their struggles, you don’t have to go through it alone; there is healing in confessing (James 5:16). To the person that has some "issue" that makes you not feel pretty enough, don't forget where your beauty lies (1 Peter 3:3-4). To the person that doesn’t feel loved, don’t forget who loved you first and still does (John 3:16). To the person that is worried, don’t forget your source of peace (Philippians 4:6-9; Matthew 6:25-34). To the person that feels attacked, don’t forget that you are equipped with armor (Ephesians 6:10-20). To the person that feels tempted, don’t forget that God is with you (1 Corinthians 10:13). To the person that wants to believe the lies, store the truth in your heart (Proverbs 4:23). To the person that’s trying to carry the weight of the world, give it to Jesus (1 Peter 5:7). To the person that feels confused, seek God (2 Timothy 2:7). To the person that feels weak, God is your strength (Isaiah 40:29-31; 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11). To the person that is afraid, don’t forget Who is with you (Psalm 23:4). God has an answer to whatever it is that your problem is. Believe that truth. God bless.

 

"Morning isn't necessarily what has an a.m. next to it. Morning happens when you wake up. "

How do I spend time with God?

           In case you haven’t checked out this week's challenge on the Changed Hearts: I AM Woman website it’s a challenge to keep us on track with spending time with God. I got a few questions from people asking what does “quiet time” consist of, what is considered spending quality time with God, and how do I do it? There’s not necessarily a “right” way to spend time with God. Everyone will have their own individual relationship with Him and therefore the way you do your quiet time may differ from the way that I do mines and that is perfectly okay! I don’t have the art of quiet time with God down pact by any means but this is just a guide to help anyone who has questions about where to start or just to get an idea of how you can do it. I’m listing these as steps but I don’t necessarily follow a particular order and you don’t have to either! Go with where the spirit of God leads you.

1. Prayer:

Prayer is essential to the believer’s life; it is how we communicate with God yet so often we feel as though we can’t talk to God because we don’t know what to say or how to approach Him even. Prayer is just a conversation between you and God. Talk to Him in the way that you would talk to anyone else. Well let me rephrase that, talk to Him in the same way you would talk to someone that you love and that you respect. No you don’t have to go and get all prim and proper; you just speak to Him in your normal voice and tone. One of the important things to remember when going before God in prayer is to ask for repentance of sins. Confess your sins to Him and ask God to help you in the areas that you are struggling in. First John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (KJV). Have faith in God to believe that He can take care of what it is that you are praying for. Matthew 21:22 states, “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive” (KJV). Don’t pray and doubt God, but believe God to do the things that you ask of Him. Most importantly ask that His will be done for your life ultimately. I also like to use this time to pour out to God. Well what does “pour out” mean? I tell Him what’s on my heart. He already knows it but He wants me to verbalize it so that I give it over to Him. I like to have a “tell Him why you’re mad” session. I know it sounds funny but I tell God my frustrations, I tell Him what is hurting me, I pretty much tell Him why I’m mad. The word says “Cast your cares upon Jesus, for He cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7, KJV). Take advantage of that and stop carrying around the weight of this world, it’ll give you an ugly hunch back :). Just talk to God. We have a tendency to make things so complicated, JUST TALK TO HIM. Use this time to pray for others as well. Yes it’s good to pray for yourself but it can’t always be about you. A good example of prayer is David’s prayers to God in the book of Psalm. No this is not the only example of prayer in the bible by any means but I really love David’s transparency and how he talked to God about what he was feeling.

2. Praise and Worship: My quiet time isn’t exactly “quiet.” I usually have worship music playing in the background to set the atmosphere. I normally start off with it loud and sing along with the words or simply just worship God. So what exactly does it mean to praise and worship? You open up your mouth and just start thanking God; thank Him for what He’s done in your life, thank Him for His blessings, thank Him for how He’s graced you and for His mercy. Most importantly thank Him just for being God. Thank Him because He gave us a Savior when He sacrificed Jesus Christ for our sins. Psalm tells us that the Lord inhabits the praises of His people (Psalm 22:3). He loves to hear His children praising and worshiping Him. I always remember the analogy that my pastor gave in church one day. He played football in college and he talked about how the way you practice is the way that you’re going to play on game day. Therefore if you don’t practice full out, it will be hard to play full out when it’s time for the game because you didn’t practice that way. It’s the same thing with how we praise and worship God. I use to feel really awkward and uncomfortable lifting my hands in church or praising God in front of people. The reality was, I’ve always had roommates and when I had my quiet time I felt like I had to be quiet and like I couldn't really be free in my house which translated over into church. I still felt like I couldn’t let loose in a sense because I hadn’t been loose in my “practice” time. It’s important to have a space where you can be free and be loud, cry, sing, and do whatever else you want to without worrying about someone interrupting your time with God. Cut out the distractions; turn off the cell phone, TV, and whatever else you need to. For some people their gospel music can be a distraction because they want to sing to it and it causes their mind to drift when they’re reading scriptures. That’s okay! Cut it off until you finish if you have to. Some people may say, well Angel I have roommates too or other people in my house and I can’t really have alone/quiet time. Do what you got to do! I’ve always had numerous roommates and there have been times where I got in my car and sat in the parking lot of Wal-Mart, the movie theater, emergicare, target, and wherever else that was quiet and I could spend time with God. You can make it work! Don’t give in to your mind plotting on all the reasons why you can’t do it. Philippians 4:13 reminds us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us and don’t you forget it!

3. Open up the bible: As you pour out to God, allow God to pour back into you. The bible is not just a history book for us to read through from cover to cover. The words can truly come to life for you as God reveals Himself through His word. I’m not a fan of the whole open up the bible and whatever page it lands on that’s what God wants me to read but hey if it works for you go for it. The YouVersion bible app is a great tool to use that has a number of studies and devotionals that you can choose from. Also in my experience, the books of Psalm and Proverbs are a great place to start to make your own devotionals but of course you don’t have to start there. Sometimes while you’re praying or during your praise and worship time, God will lead you to focus on a particular scripture or He’ll place a certain thought or word in your mind for you to look at. It really helps if you have a bible with a really good concordance and if you don’t that’s okay! Remember the internet is a great tool to use as well. Google what you’re looking for and it should direct you to the exact scripture that you’re trying to find. It also helps to find a good study bible that helps to break down the scriptures for you. I have the Life Application Study Bible in the New International Version and I also use a parallel bible that’s not a study bible along with it for the King James Version. For the longest I wasn’t a fan of the KJV because it was more difficult to read but it is the closest version as far as translation from the Greek and Hebrew writing. With other versions some of the meaning can be lost in translation so I like to have the KJV to look at and also use my life app study bible to help with the scriptures from KJV that are difficult for me to understand. Also pray and ask God to help give you an understanding of the KJV and the bible as a whole when you’re studying

4. Journal: I go through probably 3-4 journals a year. I was never big on keeping a diary when I was younger because I didn’t want someone to find it and know all of my “secrets.” However, my journal is different. I use it to write letters to God, write out scriptures that stood out to me, to write out any revelations that God gives me while I’m praying or reading scriptures. I also use it to write down people or things that I’m praying for and the vision that God has given me. I know everyone doesn’t like to write and that is okay, but for me most of the time if I don’t write things down I end up forgetting them. Another option that you have is a lot of smart phones if not all have a voice recorder app. If you don’t feel like writing, record these things as they come to you and save them to your phone.

This is a journal entry from 3/6/13 where I wrote down the things that God was showing me at that time. I had no idea that it was the beginning stages of Changed Hearts: I AM Woman. When He shows you something, write it down even if it doesn't seem like much or make sense at the time.

This is just a brief guide for how you can spend time with God. Here’s the thing, don’t make it this structured event that you’re checking off a list of “okay pray first, now praise and worship, oh now I have to find my bible.” Don’t make spending time with God a chore, make it fun! The more you make it fun versus looking at it as a job, the more you will desire to want to get to that place where you spend time with God. Another tip, don’t expect every time that you have quiet time that it is going to be this big cry fest where you are sobbing and weeping on your face! I use to think that I hadn’t really spent time with God unless I was on my face, crying, with my praise Him hands up! Uh no…yes it will be like that at times but don’t allow your feelings to dictate your QT with God. I love to dance around to fast praise music and have my own gospel concert in my room. Do what works for you! Lastly, don’t focus on the time. I want to be careful in how I word this…it’s important to spend time with God but don’t limit yourself to an allotted time of I have to spend an hour with God or I have to spend 3 hours each day with God. It’s not so much about how long you spend with God as much as it is about the quality of your time spent with God. Does that mean go and say a 30 second prayer and then count that as your time spent with God for the day? NO, but I know for myself there have been times where I said I’m going to spend an hour with God each day and I found myself thinking more about is my hour up yet or how much time do I have left versus focusing on Him. Also if you set only an hour for your quiet time, what happens when things start to get good right at that hour mark and God starts speaking to you? Are you going to shut it down because you met your hour mark? (You better not lol) Don’t put limits on God. Go before Him with a sincere and genuine heart and allow Him to direct your time with Him. Okay last thing for real this time; remember that the bible says some things only come with fasting and praying (Mark 9:29). Be sure you implement fasting into your relationship with God as well. I just want to reiterate that this is not an exclusive guide or the “right way” to spend time with God. This is just an outline to get you started! Hope this helps and if anyone has questions please feel free to email me at changedheartsquestions@gmail.com. God bless!

A couple of announcements:

1.        If you haven’t done so already please check out my new website www.changedheartsiamwoman.com

2.        Each Saturday there is a new woman’s testimony featured on the website. If you would like yours featured, please send it to changedheartsquestions@gmail.com  

3.        I will be doing my first teaching tonight 8/19/13 on Ustream at 8:00 p.m.! If you’re unable to watch, don’t worry it will be recorded! www.ustream.tv/channel/angel-0503

4.        If you live in or are ever near the Bridgewater/Harrisonburg VA area please come visit New Life Ministries Church located at 100 Hickory Lane Bridgewater, VA 22812. Sunday service starts at 11:00 a.m. Tuesday night bible study starts at 7:00 p.m.

Changed Hearts: I AM Woman

      If you haven't had a chance to check out my website, www.changedheartsiamwoman.com, please do so! God placed it on my heart about a month ago to create this site for women and I'm so excited about how it's starting to come together. There's a section on the website called "My Story" that I want to introduce to you all! "My Story" is for you; it's a chance to share your story with other women to show where God has delivered you from or simply what He's done in your life. As women we have a tendency to hold onto a lot of guilt and shame from the things that we've done in the past even when we are not that person anymore.  On the other hand, sometimes we feel like we haven't "been through enough" to have a testimony to share. I AM Woman is here to say I am not ashamed of my past because it has given me my testimony and a chance to honor God and His transforming power; this is my story, to God be the glory! Everyone has a story and someone can relate to yours! Use your testimony to encourage someone else to know that they too can overcome with Christ. If you would like your testimony to be featured on the website please email it to changedheartsquestions@gmail.com. There are currently two amazing testimonies up on the site and I can't wait to continue to add more each week! I post them in the order that I receive them and I add a new testimony to the site each Saturday morning. I would love to share yours as well! Don't forget to send it to the above email and then check www.changedheartsiamwoman.com to see when yours is featured or to look at the other amazing stories about what God has done in and through these women. Be blessed!