As a single trust me I can understand the desire to want to be married. Especially as you see beautiful couples who are so in love with their spouse and they did it God’s way and you look on with your heart screaming I want that!!!! Trust me, I get it, but as singles who really want to grow in Christ we can’t afford to settle when it comes to our spouse. The person that you marry you become one with them (Mark 10:8). Their issues now become your issues and you need to know what their issues are! People get worried about taking on another person’s financial debt when they become married but they don’t think about the spiritual debt that they may have to take on as well. Ladies, it’s so important to wait on God’s timing for this. I know that’s so much easier said than done! I’m right there with you sisters, trust me I get that the struggle is real sometimes but God has not forgotten about us singles. He’s not going to withhold any good thing from those that follow Him (Psalm 84:11) but we have to trust that He has our best interest in mind in protecting our hearts.
I’d like to share my truth for a moment…about two years ago I came back into contact with an old boyfriend. Although I knew he wasn’t God’s best for my life, I liked the attention. It felt good to have someone, well not just someone but a man, to talk to on a daily basis. So he asked what I was looking for in a relationship now as we had not dated for about 3-4 years at this point. I gave him the longest list; he needs to believe in God, needs to be stable, I’m abstinent now so he needs to wait until marriage to have sex, and so on and so on. So I say all this and his response is, “well I don’t have the best relationship with God right now but I’m working on it. The whole sex thing, I mean it would be difficult but I could do it if I had to.” Red flags are screaming but I’m thinking well at least he’s willing to try right? Somebody should’ve come and slapped some sense into me! So I then go on to say I’m not interested in dating, I’m going into my next relationship with the purpose of marriage in mind. His response, “I could settle down.” I’m like hmh…maybe this could work? Thank God for deliverance from stupid lol. So we continue to talk everyday for a few weeks and one day he texts me and says so someone told me that you preach now???? I didn’t tell him this when we “reconnected.” To be honest I didn’t tell him because I didn’t think he would want to be with me if he knew that. Uhm hello Mark 8:38! I’m sharing the gospel with people but I didn’t want to share this with the man who I was considering being with. I know that’s crazy. So we start talking about my beliefs and things and God. So the next few days we continued to have conversations about God and it completely threw me for a loop because I so was not expecting him to be receptive to it none whatsoever. So now my heart is really excited and thinking yay! Maybe this could actually work; he’ll get saved, love Jesus and we can be together right? So we continue to have conversations about God and he was telling me how he was struggling in trusting God because of different things that were happening in his life. So I’m over here quoting scripture, directing him to read Job, talking about the Apostle Paul and Abraham and I’m over here basking in this moment thinking this is going to be great this time around and I’m saying yessssss!!! God shuts it all the way down with the loudest NO! That was the last conversation that we had and this is what God showed me:
- Wives, submit unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22, KJV). Let’s take the man out of the picture for a moment; how can you say you will submit to a man when you are not submitted to Christ first? As singles, if we want to prepare for marriage we first start by learning to submit to Christ. At that time I wasn’t submitted to Christ because I was completely ignoring all the red flags because the thought of marriage was completely clouding my spiritual judgment. We have to want Jesus and the direction of the Holy Spirit more than we want the husband.
- For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and he is the saviour of the body (Ephesians 5:23, KJV). When we had our last conversation I was so excited that I was able to encourage this guy by talking about Jesus. That excitement left when God quickly showed me that he could not pour back into me. I don’t care how Godly your marriage is you are going to go through different tests and trials and you need a spouse who can cover you and pour back into you just as you pour out to them. The husband is responsible for leading his family towards Christ. The man you marry is going to have a direct impact on your relationship with God as well as your children’s relationship with God. You have to be able to trust the leadership of your husband. Is he even trying to honor your purity before you get married? What does his prayer life look like? The way a man treats you and acts before you get married is not going to change simply because he put a ring on it. Pay attention to those red flags before you say I do or you’ll end up saying Lord I wish I didn’t!
- Flee fornication. All other sins a person commits are outside of the body; but he that commiteth fornication sinneth against his own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18, KJV). The choice to be celibate has to be your own and the same goes for your one day spouse. Both of you have to come to the conclusion on your own that you are going to honor God with your body. It can’t just be because the bible says not to have sex before marriage so okay I’ll follow the rules. It’s not quite that simple. You have to have a desire to want to honor God with your body not just simply because it says to do so but because of who God is to you. I was setting myself up for failure with this relationship. Not only was this a person that I had fornicated with before when I wasn’t saved, but he was only okay with abstaining from sex because that was what I wanted. You are more likely to be tempted to give into fornication if your future spouse has not made up in his mind that he is going to set the boundaries in the relationship to honor your purity. (See point about the husband leading the wife). We end up putting ourselves in a compromising situation because we say oh I’m not going to have sex with him but just as soon as you’re tempted, you give in because he’s definitely not going to heed to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. I would strongly advise against yoking yourself up with someone that you have fornicated with in the past once you are saved especially if they are not saved. You open the door for temptation to overtake you and in the moment where your flesh may get weak that unsaved man who is only going along with your request to be abstinent is not going to tell his flesh to shut up when things get hot and heavy. Let’s be honest ladies. When you fornicate you open yourself up to soul ties. You wonder why you’re feeling all crazy and what not because you’ve picked up something from the person that you’ve laid with.
4. You shall have no other gods before me. (Exodus 20:3, KJV). Singles it is so easy to make marriage an idol. We have to keep our eyes focused on God and not our left hand ring finger. The more you focus on being single the more the enemy will have a field day in your head. He will send you all kinds of fine looking demons oops I meant men to get you distracted. So now your focus is no longer on seeking the kingdom of God but seeking after a man. You talk about wanting this husband more than you want to talk with God. Anything we put before God is an idol and everything that we create an idol out of the devil will indeed use it to distract and destruct our relationship with God.
5. Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23, KJV). When this guy and I stopped talking I felt lonely. I’m being honest. My phone wasn’t blowing up anymore and I was in my feelings for a bit. That was my fault because God never told me to pursue that man. He tries to protect us from getting our little feelings hurt but we jump the gun. Also we have to guard our heart not just towards men that we know aren’t God’s best for our lives but also the people who keep questioning when are we going to settle down and get married? Our timeline is based on God’s timing not the rushed timing of people. The funny thing about people is that they will pressure and rush you into getting married or having babies but when it falls apart or when you need help those same people are MIA. Don’t allow people to guilt you into feeling like you have to get married by a certain time so you can have a gut full of human before your biological clock breaks and your eggs become scrambled. I remember a woman asking me “so Angel how does it feel to be your age and not married or without children?” First let me say I’m only 25, but my response was it feels like I trust God to prepare me for that part of my life when He’s ready. Ladies don’t allow peoples words, facebook posts of their wedding pictures, or anything else cause you to be jealous, covet, or even doubt God’s timing for your life. Guard your heart.
Ladies we can’t afford to settle for any Joe Schmo off the corner. We wait for God to give us our mate in His timing and while we’re waiting we’re not just sitting idol thinking every man that walks through the church doors is our husband (oh and just because a man is a Christian doesn’t mean ya’ll have to be together but that’s a different post). I know we’ve all had that moment where we go is it him? Maybe that one? Could he be my husband? Dear woman, rest. You deserve to be loved, honored, and respected. Know that God has not forgotten about you; He knows the desire you have to call someone husband. Let him choose your mate and not your biological clock or emotions.
Love you ladies,
P.S. Don't forget to check out the new Changed Hearts: I AM Woman site that can be accessed through www.changedheartsunited.com!